Human Mating Rituals:

Part 1 of a 69-Part Series

by Jason M. Martin

The mating ritual of the humpback whale is very unique in its unusual courtship rituals. The male will swim circles around the female for days on end even until he passes out from vertigo or the female gets annoyed and will do anything to make him stop. Whichever happens first. This is called the pushy lounge lizard effect. The male will keep bugging her until she finally agrees to go out with him just to get rid of him. This mating ritual, first seen in the humpback whale of Alaska, had also been seen in humans.

It is usually found in 1970's style hotel lounges where someone is singing bad renditions of bad songs badly. There are no prerequisites for the female. Any kind will do. Preferably human. The male subject usually has large amounts of hair on his chest. The use for this hair is still not known. It is possible that this is found to be extremely attractive by the female. Another correlation is that the more chest hair the male has the more persistent he will be. Most importantly, the more hairs he lets stick out of his shirt, the less likely he will be to ever give up. The male may be wearing anything but whatever it is it has to be tight so it will show off his sensual body. On occasion, leather pants on heavy males, of about 200 lbs., have been seen to really attract females. Now we will discuss the actual mating rituals.

He will usually spot her from across the room while dancing his own strange mating dance. This usually involves flailing his arms wildly and gyrating his hips. He will keep dancing but start moving toward her. He will eventually get close enough to get a good look at her. This is where he will find out the important things about her. Breast size, hind quarters, real hair color, and other bodily features. She will try to avoid eye contact because she is afraid of scaring him away. She is hopeful, of course, that this model of a man will choose her.

At last! Contact is made! He asks what's her sign. She just looks at him in what we think is awe and amazement at his choosing her to bless with his presence. She thanks God for feeling her worthy of such a man. Then she takes the little umbrella from her drink and tries to stab herself with it. He takes this as a sign that she feels she cannot live without him, so out of his good grace to try and save her, he asks her to leave with him. Her eyes then open wide in amazement. And then almost chokes to death on a peanut. She cannot believe how lucky she is that he has asked her to go with him. She then excuses herself to go to the bathroom to freshen up a little before they leave. This is the part where we have yet to understand. When in the bathroom she tries frantically to squeeze herself out of a little 12 inch by 12 inch window. She eventually succeeds and runs screaming for joy. We cannot explain this behavior. It is possible that she is so happy and elated about this mate that she forgets to go back inside to leave with him and finish the mating ritual. Alas, It will be many years before we have full comprehension.